Where Is the Wonder? Where's the Awe?

Where is the wonder? Where's the awe?
Where are the sleepless nights I used to live for?
Before the years take me
I wish to see the lost in me.

Some lyrics from my favourite band Nightwish's song, "I Want My Tears Back".

In case you didn't know, yes, I listen to metal, and yes, metal bands have the most incredibly wonderful names. Seriously.  Night.  Wish.  One of my coworkers was having a delightful time poking fun at the name the other day and, well, he was absolutely correct.  It's a hilarious, yet totally awesome name.  I wish for night.  It makes so much sense when you listen to their music.

Welp, there it is.

Anyway, I've been contemplating these lyrics... "I wish to see the lost in me".  Woah.  The first bunch of times I heard the song, I was pretty certain that the lyric was "lust," not "lost," because it's an angry breakup song and that, gramatically makes more sense.  But, they are Finnish, and have thick accents, so "lost" sounded like "lust," and what I thought was a lyric about hoping to have more sex is actually quite a bit deeper.

The more you think about it, honestly, the deeper it gets.  The lost in me.  What's lost in me?  Who am I in there that I don't know?  What is inside me that's lost?  What have I lost?  Is something lost?
WHAT IS HAPPENING.  WHO AM I.

"It's like I feel these chains, like, holding me down, you know?  It's like all emotional and hard and stuff.  So, like, totally not cool, ya know?  It's all like eating me up inside and stuff.  I feel like a My Chemical Romance album.  Dude. Like seriously.  I might even actually cry like right now.  Woah.  I feel no wonder, man.  I'm all, like, lost inside and stuff.  Like, I'm not awed.  And I'm getting, like, old."~ some emo guy

Why did I lose my wonder?  Why can I not feel awe?  What happened to me that I don't stay up all night pursing activities I love any more?  What are these activities?  Am I getting old?

It's  a metal lyric.  It's a lyric in a metal song.  And look at what it's done.  Look how deep it is.  It's such poetry. Woah, I'm such a goth kid.  Really, though, guys, think about it.  What is lost in you?  What did you used to have that you now don't?  What did you used to be that you now aren't?  That's some heavy soul searching right there.

My new life goal- try not to lose anything.
Don't lose anything.
  Don't lose the wonder.
Don't lose the awe.

 Be fascinated and impressed.  Thrive on excitement, and new experiences.  Find something original and beautiful in each rising day.  Stay up when I'm motivated, and get done what I want to.  Discover time to engage in what makes me feel most alive.  Lose nothing.

Because, the years will take me.  They take us all.

 

However, it's our fault if we lose anything along the way.  Not anyone else's fault- just ours.  No one can take away from you what you don't let them.

Namaste kiddos.

Love,
Emily

Today I am...

I've seen a lot of posts like this on blogs, and I think it's kind of fun, so I decided to try it.  Woohoo.  Skunkboy Creatures and A Beautiful Mess, two of the blogs linked to in my sidebar, do this sometimes, and though this blog is a little bit nerdier, and, well, guy-friendly than those two are (not that they aren't, but I don't do so many crafts or recipes or posts about dresses), I thought I'd give this a go.

Obsessing over:  

I like to obsess.  It's something I do.  Lately?  Game of Thrones.  I just read the first book, am planning to start the second tomorrow, and will begin watching the TV series soon.  One of Danny's friend has files, and she is planning to give us a USB full of sword-slashing, dragon, dire-wolf happiness.

  

I've also been shipping Femshep and Garrus, but that is nothing new.  

Also, cooking with as many veggies as possible.

Working on:  

At this moment?  Yoga homework.  Guys, I have homework again.  I'm reading.  Essays.  Books.  Not just because I want to read them.  I actually have to.  And, you know what?  I love it.  Maybe it's because this is the first "school with homework" that I 100% decided on myself.  Not that college wasn't super-awesome-fun-time on top of being a crazy-difficult amount of work, but this was utterly my idea, and I'm having a blast.  The readings are fascinating.  I'm only a week into the hardcore segment of this training, and I've learned so much that I'll be able to put into practice in my Voice and Speech classes, and in any yoga classes I get the privilege to teach in the future!

I'm also uploading and editing photos so that I can have some new, original work up here hopefully within the next few days!  Like this one...

  

Thinking about:  

How to find ease, even in difficult situations.  I have a tendency to overthink, and be a bit of a stress ball.  I work too hard, in all of the wrong ways, and seek perfection instead of taking things one day at a time.  I used to legitimately believe in Yoda's mantra- "Do or do not.  There is no try".  Someone told me that as a kid, and I never accepted failure, or anything other than immediate success as acceptable.  If I thought I was going to not succeed to the fullest, I'd quit.  Or, not start.  Mostly that one.  Working through something with relaxation would have been a hilarious concept to any version of me younger than 21.

Now that I'm, you know, a real adult and stuff, I've realized that Star Wars is not real life.  I know... It was a crushing realization.  I'm not Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, or Darth Vader.  I'm not even Boba Fett, who was apparently really badass or cool or something, but lost anyway. 

 In the world that happens to be real, this is a terrible mentality that sets you up for nothing but abject failure.  File that one under, "Mantras that are great in movies, but not real life".  If you don't try things you don't know you will be awesome at, you're screwed.  Thinking that trying isn't sufficient stunts improvement, and makes you force things to occur.  (See what I did there?  Force.  Star Wars.  Yeah.)  But, seriously.  You'll never get better at anything.  You'll work hard, but not well.  Or, you might even think you're working hard, because you're doing a lot of thinking about working, but you aren't actually doing anything.  I've fallen into that trap.  Now, I'm attempting to find more relaxation and simplicity in everything I do, and work well.  Use my time wisely, and with a sense of calm and fun.  A smile in my heart.  My work in acting and Alexander Technique have made this much easier, and I'm finding how to work without muscling in yoga now as well.  One thing I love about yoga is that I'm not quite so naturally good at it. 

 It's really nice to be slightly awful at something, for a change.  This might sound ridiculous, but, due to the above mantra, I've legitimately only pursued things at which I seem to already excel, not things I necessarily love or find terribly interesting. Now, I do find most things I'm good at to be interesting, but I wonder sometimes if I like them because I like them, or because I like the satisfaction of being good at them.  There I go over-thinking things again. I'm not great at yoga, and I'm certainly not the best in my class, but I'm going to work my butt off, and I'm going to graduate.  There's no way I'll be valedictorian, there isn't one, but I wouldn't be anyway. That is refreshing, and exciting to me.  Hooray for self discovery!  Applying this concept of relaxation and accepting that not being good at something is okay to my martial arts is proving slightly more difficult, but I'll get it.  I just have to be more like water, and this little grasshopper will eventually become an easy water dragon.

Anticipating:  

Taking a vacation!  I get a weekend off from teacher training the last weekend in May, and I'd like to get out of the city.  I'm starting to brainstorm possible locations.  

Listening to:  

Nightwish's Imaginaerum.  I'm a metal-head...  I don't know if I've mentioned this.  I may be a stealth goth, and by that, I mean I'm totally a goth kid at heart.  Put a black lace choker on me and sooth my soul with some electric violin.  And Imaginaerum is the finest metal/ jazz/ classical/ soundtrack album I have heard in a long time.  I've been listening to it rather incessantly.  It's good.  I'm so pleased.  I cannot wait until the film comes out!

In addition, please don't make fun of me, but I've been listening to a lot of Enya lately.  Something in those Celtic beats warms my heart and calms me down.  See?  Goth kid.

Eating:  

A lot of veggies.  And chocolate.  Because I can.  But, way more veggies than usual because they are cheap and healthy, and I have been doing many hours of yoga and martial arts, which require lots of good, clean fuel.

Wishing:  

I had a castle.  Always.

Or magical powers.

Or both.

Soundtrack for the Forest

I've never posted a video on this blog... ever.

I guess today is the day!

I was really excited to post my inspiration post this friday, "Enchanted Forest," and I wondered whether or not to include this element.  Sound.  Music.  When I look at these pictures, I hear these songs in my head.  Try giving them a listen as you look at my previous post, and let me know what you feel or think.  

Have a great night!