Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers in or from the USA!
Here is a silly photo of me with the cute Thanksgiving card I received from my mom!
I love this holiday. It's such a great time to spend precious moments with friends and family, and eat massive amounts of comfort food. The holiday feels warm, safe and comfortable. It's nice. Today we're in Pennsylvania, celebrating with my family. We just got here this morning. Danny will have to leave tomorrow morning, but I will be off to Maryland to see some more family. He is working on a show at the moment, and they have a performance tomorrow night, so he kind of needs to be back in New York for that. You know, that work thing.
Anyways, I'm thankful about a lot of things today. I'm thankful for my family, friends, and so unbelievably thankful for Danny. I'm thankful that I have a job, especially in this market. If I didn't, I'd be spending my time protesting and searching for one, like the brave men and women of Occupy Wall Street. But, for some reason, I've been lucky. I've worked hard, but I've been stupidly lucky. And every day, I thank my lucky stars for that. Terrible things happen to wonderful people in this world all of the time, and I've been magically spared from awful tragedy. For this, I feel blessed. By who, or what, I can't say I'm truly certain. But, I feel grateful. I don't know why my life has been generally free of hardship. I question this every day. Why me? What did I do to deserve this, other than be born? That's not fair, is it? There are lots of questions. I do know, for certain, though, that it's not because I'm deserving, or because I've worked hard, or am entitled, or anything. Yeah, I have worked pretty hard, and done a good job, in general.
How does that count for meriting a life free of serious difficulty? I don't know. I think it's luck. I think that concept goes the other way too. Some people work very hard, are extremely good people, educated people, and don't have jobs. They can't find them. (In the USA, there are four unemployed people for every available job right now.) Some people have loved ones die. Some people lose children. This happened to some friends of ours just the other day, Danny's best friend, to be exact. His wife was pregnant, and the child died. At term. I... I don't know what to say about it really. Tragic, sad... they all sound completely inadequate. Devastating? Maybe.
I'm not attempting to bring down your day by sharing this- it's just something affecting me in my life, right now. So, I think it's important. I want to, no, need to put it out there. As I share this day with my family, I'm thinking of them; Ben and Meg,
and what they've lost. I feel for them. I don't want children, but I
understand their want to have a child, and I also understand that I do
not and cannot have any idea what they are going through.
I like to think of myself as a realist. As a matter of fact, I wrote a post about "being a realist" last week. Events like that, however, both make me acknowledge that I'm a militant optimist, and shake my resolve.
The manner in which I achieve my optimism is nearly mathematical, like I wrote about in this post. No matter how bad things are, I acknowledge that they could certainly be worse. Something, or many things, could make the situation more awful. This makes me feel significantly better about whatever is wrong. Also, no matter how bad things are, something is always good about the world. There will always be people doing good, there will always be beauty in nature, and art, and there will always be someone with new or interesting information to share. People fall in love despite everything, the sun still rises, and the flowers still bloom. Mathematically, more things seem to be going "right" in the world than "wrong". Thus, I justify my tendency towards believing that the world is beautiful, that all people are inherently good, and that life is worth it. Life isn't futile. We can achieve wonderful things in life, and enjoy the gorgeous world around us. Life is awesome! I've proven it with logic. Bam.
I cannot figure out how to logic away the death of an innocent, though. I can't... there is no way to do that. How do you do that? I can say, "Well, it's unfortunate that you were late for work, but look outside at that park! It's gorgeous! Think of that guy who held the door for you as you ran in, and how comfy your sweater is. Think of puppies. And rainbows". But, I cannot say, "Wow! Your baby died? That's awful. Don't worry though, flowers are pretty". That would make me the biggest asshole in the world, and I do try not to be an asshole. The death of a baby does not compute in my system. I can't make that compute. It's like a geometry theorem with no solution. I've just attempted to divide by zero. System failure.
The world sounds a little less beautiful and fabulous to me when I hear about tragedies like the one that just happened to our friends. Ok, that's an understatement. The balance I so desperately seek gets lost in the shuffle, and I stare off into the void, mourning the lost potential, the crushed hopes and unfairness of it all. That goes beyond unlucky to me, and makes me want to believe in karma- that good times, and lucky moments are on their way for people who have experienced such tragedies. I don't know if I believe that, but it sounds so nice. Karma is a pretty attractive concept.
After many hours of contemplation, I've come to a conclusion. What happened to our friends is just unmentionably awful. The death of a newly born baby is a travesty, and I'm disrespecting the concept to minimize it to that. I don't know how to deal with it. I definitely don't know how they are dealing with it, if as a friend who lives across the country, I've been spun into a minor existential crisis. I think that it's those good things in the world, that I spoke of earlier, which eventually help us to move on. They will never make up for what was lost, but they can help us heal, and regain hope. One must always have hope. We can look at the world, those flowers, puppies, and rainbows, and remember that even though life is sometimes incredibly awful, it can also be good. Something out there is at least decent. People will be there to support us in times of difficulty. I don't know. No matter what, though, what I do know is that we have to look towards the sunlight. We have to see the beauty in the world because it's one of the main things that can keep us going. At least, I know that's what gets me through hard times. Maybe it works for other people too.
In any case, I find myself very thankful today. I'm thankful for Danny, my family, my friends, my job, my career, my art, my life... and my luck. I'm thankful that I've been lucky. What else could I be? I can't be proud of it, because it hasn't been completely my doing. I don't take credit for things I haven't done. I wish, as my Thanksgiving wish, that others will be lucky too. Or, that, at least, the world will continue to the have the balance I so crave. The balance I want so badly to believe in. The balance that not only gets me through the day, but creates my optimism. My belief in that balance is a cornerstone of who I am. I'm thankful for that.
May optimism always carry all of us through.
